Trust Falls with Myself

Have you ever tried this? Letting yourself fall backwards and then falling into your own arms and catching yourself? Of course you haven't. No one can do that as it's physically impossible. But you actually have. In the metaphorical sense, you do this every day whether you are aware of it or not. Every single decision you make is a trust fall with yourself. And it isn't always a big grand decision. It can be something as small as what train to catch or which bathroom stall to use. Tiny trust falls are being done constantly and we unconsciously feel confident and OK in the every day decisions. Maybe not always, but if you're stressed out about which bathroom stall to use, that's a bigger issue. The point I'm trying to make is that if my everyday small choices have become somewhat second nature that I don't even bother questioning catching myself, then why is it so hard to treat my big decisions the same way? 

When it comes to big decisions, why am I standing there with my arms folded telling falling me, "screw you?" This repeated fear and doubt of my own path and choices and not supporting those choices means I will only feel doubt and fear rather than excitement every time I have to make a seemingly "big," decision.

The entire second half of my year 2015 year has been spent trying to find a comfortable position in my bed or on my couch while an entire world goes by outside around me. And rather than relishing in the downtime and using it to learn or read, I've been so afraid to just fall freely.  I am so worried that by giving in to this, by taking care of myself and my body, it means this has defeated me somehow.  When I write it out it sounds even sillier.  By giving in and letting my body rest, I am actually giving it the care it deserves, so that eventually I will be back to a stronger version of myself.  I am not weak because I need help; I am human because I need help.  And so today, this week, I am falling.  Falling and crashing repeatedly until I can learn to catch myself.  I have the time to do it, and definitely the reason.  And maybe you can notice how often you're letting yourself fall, so that you can work on making that big important catch every single time, because no one can do it but you.

This is a crazy time in our world, so take care of yourselves and your fellow humans.  It's the only way we will all get through in once piece.

Love,

Mikaela